I Had to Google It:

Have you noticed Americans use a lot of slang?  Our native language is supposedly English but try speaking to someone from the United Kingdom–you’re definitely going to have some language barriers going on.

I don’t know if I’ve just lived in an isolated world too long or traveled abroad too much but, when talking to people here in America, I often find myself behaving as foreigners do.  That is, I nod and smile and pretend I understand what the hell someone is saying (or talking about) when I have no clue!  It’s like everyone is speaking in code or some shit, man!

So.  Seeing as how I have issues with looking like an idiot more than absolutely necessary, I have been Googling some of the more frequently used code words and concepts.  Here’s what I found: 

  • BFF :  I’d originally heard this and thought it meant “best female friend” but then heard it in reference to a dude and got confused. According to Urban Dictionary this gag-me-when-I-hear-it acronym can mean ‘Big Fat Fucker’ or ‘Blowjob, Fuck, or Facial’ but most usually means ‘Best Friend Forever.’
  •  “Pulling a Kanye” : this has something to do with a singer named Kanye West making an ass of himself.  So, apparently, if you are ‘pulling a Kanye,’ you are making an ass of yourself.  Logical, I guess.  But why not just say, ‘you’re being an ass, man’??  On a side note: I did discover he’s the one who sings a song I’ve always liked titled Gold Digger (funny song–look it up).
  •  Twerk : This one I still don’t get.  It has something to do with Miley Cyrus shaking her ass while dressed like a hoochie.  My ADD kicked in, I found myself on Youtube and somehow ended up watching a parrot crying like a baby.  FYI: The parrot was less annoying and more interesting than Ms. Hoochie Mama shaking her ass.
  •  Selfie:  This one sounded dirty to me so when I looked it up I was surprised to find it just means to take a picture of yourself.  Okay, come on, people.  This one’s just stupid.  And if you say it, you should be embarrassed for yourself.  I think this one was made up by attention whores people just so they could feel okay about how many pictures they take–and publicize–of themselves.  Stop it, people.  Seriously.
  •  Kim Kardashian :  I know who she is because her face is plastered on every-damned-thing but the package my toilet paper comes in (and I’ll be totally pissed at Charmin if that changes!).  But, I didn’t know why her picture was everywhere so I Googled it.  I spent thirty minutes of my life that I will never get back searching for the reason she’s so popular and I still don’t know.  All I saw was a bunch of pics of her showing the Girls and her ass. Whoop-de-do-da.  But still, what is she famous for?  I’ll probably Google her again some fine day–way, way, way in the future–after I’ve cleaned the grout in my bathroom with an old toothbrush and have nothing left to do. Or live for.
  •  LGBTQ :  I was totally down with the whole “LGBT” thing but then some fucker went and added a “Q” to the mix and lost me.  The “Q” means ‘questioning.’  Why the hell is ‘questioning’ now a sexual category or designator?  I mean, really.  Isn’t that something you do before you label yourself as the L, the G, the B or the T? 
  •  Nom nom nom : All I found with this was a shit ton of pictures of a.) overweight people, b.) various kinds of freaked-the-hell-out animals, and c.) a woman stating she loves vaginas.  I don’t know what these three subjects have in common.  Fucking weirdos, man.
  •  Totes Amazeballs : Oddly enough, this means “totally amazing.”  How someone took what normally means bag, stun, and balls and put it all together to get ‘totally amazing’ is beyond me.  I mean, don’t string my ass up for suggesting this, but, if you find something totally amazing why not just say “wow, man, that’s totally amazing!” ??
  •  Duck Dynasty : You’d think I would know better by now, but, yes, I attempted to Google this, as well.  From what little searching I did, this appears to be the 21st century version of the Beverly Hillbillies where all of the Clampetts wear camouflage and at least one of their kinfolk said some shit about the LGBTQ community that was not totes amazeballs.


Okay.  I’m now exhausted.  I still have a bunch of other stuff to Google before I can go out in public and talk to people but I just can’t hack any more Googling today.  My brain is weeping.




Part Deux: Shit I Don’t Like


  • Non-handicapped people who park in handicapped spots just because it’s close to an ATM machine or because they are “just running into the store real quick.”  No one gives a shit as to your reason excuse.  If you’re not handicapped, just don’t do it!  Show some fucking respect, man!  How hard is this?

  • Short, scrawny, fugly lil white boys driving big honkin’ jacked up trucks who put a “No Fat Chicks” sticker on the rear window.  Seriously?  YOU have the nerve to discriminate like that??  LOLolololol………..dude.

  • Psycho-dialers.  If they didn’t answer the phone the first five fuckin’ times, just…seriously.  The fuck are you thinkin’?!?!

  • Hairless cats.  That shit’s just not natural, man.

  • Slow drivers who a.) drive in the inside / passing lane and b.) refuse to move their slow ass over.  It’s called the “passing” lane for a fuckin’ reason!  Dumbass.

  • People who allow their kids to run around like little heathens in a store, repeatedly call the kid’s name while the kid pretends he’s deaf, and then have the nerve to yell, “Joey, I’m warning you….one….two….”  Lady, just shuddup already.  Go snatch that little snot-nosed hooligan up, smack his ass once or twice, and drag him back over to where you were.  We all support you in this.  Really.

  • Men who drive through a parking lot, honk their horn when they see a girl and yell, “Hey gurl, com’ ‘ere!”  You, sir, are a lazy, disrespectful bastard.  I’d also lay down some serious jack betting  that you’re broke, shitty in bed, and living with your mama!

  • Desperate Women who actually walk their happy asses up to the car to talk to the lazy-assed man who just picked her up by sittin’ on his ass.  Sister, the fuck are you doing?!  You are not Papa John’s.  You do not deliver coochie!  Did your mama never teach you this?!

  • People who pick their nose while driving & flick the boogers out the window.  A.) That’s just gross.   B.) You make me wonder just how many of the bug corpses on my windshield are really bug corpses.  And I don’t like having to wonder about that.

  • Women who wear skimpy clothes into a store and then make comments to their friends about all the fugly guys looking at them.  Well, duh, bitches!!!


Shit I Don’t Like


  1. People who blame others for their lack of ______ (insert anything here).  All that energy you waste complaining about what you don’t got because of excuse A thru Z?  How ’bout you get off your lazy ass, put that energy toward action and go get what you want.

  2. Racists.  Of any race.  Racism is for lazy and small-minded motherfuckers who need to feel important and/or good about themselves and the only way they can do it is to put down other races.

  3. Bigots.  Just do you, motherfucker.  Again, have you accomplished so little in your life that you need to focus on, and insult, how others live their lives just to feel good about yourself?  Really?  Sucks to be you!

  4. Bambi Bitches.  Those women who confuse the shit outta men in a plethora of ways.  We’ll talk more about you bitches later.

  5. Wannabe Men.  I say “wannabe” because real men don’t do the dumbass shit you do.  We’ll talk more about you bitches later, too.

  6. Married people who lie & cheatOh yeah, we will most definitely be talkin’ about your asses later, as well.

  7. Religious fanatics.  You people give God–by whatever name you call Him–a bad name.

  8. Deadbeat parents.  You assholes should have been sterilized at puberty.  Seriously.

  9. Pedophiles.  You bitches can’t give a good enough reason to fuck up the minds, emotions, and bodies of children.

  10. Criminals who aren’t good at their chosen profession.  If you’re gonna be a fucking criminal, be a good one (ie: don’t get caught!).  If you keep getting caught, well, guess what?  You’re shitty at your chosen profession and it’s time to find a new profession!  How hard is it to grasp this concept?!