I Have Learned (Part II):

  1. Accepting people for who they are is not mandatory but you short change yourself if you don’t.

  2. Perception is not reality.

  3. Loving someone from a distance is sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself and them.

  4. Hindsight is just that.  Don’t stare into the past too long or you’ll be goober slapped by the future.

  5. Fear both paralyzes and motivates.  The key is to know when you should relax and let it go or when to hang onto it and use it to your advantage.

  6. If you see someone in need of help, don’t pause to evaluate, judge, condemn, or criticize.  Just help.

  7. If you can’t train a dog it’s doubtful you have any business being in a committed relationship.

  8. While Hope is important, Belief and Faith are much more so.

  9. Forgive those who do you harm and wish them well.  Even if you never say it out loud.

  10. Taking care of one’s own best interests is not selfish.  In fact, by doing so, one often serves the interests of others.

  11. If you are not willing to stand in front of them on the firing line when it’s their time to face God, you really have no right to tell another person how to live their life.

  12. With everything in life, you always have a choice.  You may not like the choices you have, but you always have a choice.





I Had to Google It:

Have you noticed Americans use a lot of slang?  Our native language is supposedly English but try speaking to someone from the United Kingdom–you’re definitely going to have some language barriers going on.

I don’t know if I’ve just lived in an isolated world too long or traveled abroad too much but, when talking to people here in America, I often find myself behaving as foreigners do.  That is, I nod and smile and pretend I understand what the hell someone is saying (or talking about) when I have no clue!  It’s like everyone is speaking in code or some shit, man!

So.  Seeing as how I have issues with looking like an idiot more than absolutely necessary, I have been Googling some of the more frequently used code words and concepts.  Here’s what I found: 

  • BFF :  I’d originally heard this and thought it meant “best female friend” but then heard it in reference to a dude and got confused. According to Urban Dictionary this gag-me-when-I-hear-it acronym can mean ‘Big Fat Fucker’ or ‘Blowjob, Fuck, or Facial’ but most usually means ‘Best Friend Forever.’
  •  “Pulling a Kanye” : this has something to do with a singer named Kanye West making an ass of himself.  So, apparently, if you are ‘pulling a Kanye,’ you are making an ass of yourself.  Logical, I guess.  But why not just say, ‘you’re being an ass, man’??  On a side note: I did discover he’s the one who sings a song I’ve always liked titled Gold Digger (funny song–look it up).
  •  Twerk : This one I still don’t get.  It has something to do with Miley Cyrus shaking her ass while dressed like a hoochie.  My ADD kicked in, I found myself on Youtube and somehow ended up watching a parrot crying like a baby.  FYI: The parrot was less annoying and more interesting than Ms. Hoochie Mama shaking her ass.
  •  Selfie:  This one sounded dirty to me so when I looked it up I was surprised to find it just means to take a picture of yourself.  Okay, come on, people.  This one’s just stupid.  And if you say it, you should be embarrassed for yourself.  I think this one was made up by attention whores people just so they could feel okay about how many pictures they take–and publicize–of themselves.  Stop it, people.  Seriously.
  •  Kim Kardashian :  I know who she is because her face is plastered on every-damned-thing but the package my toilet paper comes in (and I’ll be totally pissed at Charmin if that changes!).  But, I didn’t know why her picture was everywhere so I Googled it.  I spent thirty minutes of my life that I will never get back searching for the reason she’s so popular and I still don’t know.  All I saw was a bunch of pics of her showing the Girls and her ass. Whoop-de-do-da.  But still, what is she famous for?  I’ll probably Google her again some fine day–way, way, way in the future–after I’ve cleaned the grout in my bathroom with an old toothbrush and have nothing left to do. Or live for.
  •  LGBTQ :  I was totally down with the whole “LGBT” thing but then some fucker went and added a “Q” to the mix and lost me.  The “Q” means ‘questioning.’  Why the hell is ‘questioning’ now a sexual category or designator?  I mean, really.  Isn’t that something you do before you label yourself as the L, the G, the B or the T? 
  •  Nom nom nom : All I found with this was a shit ton of pictures of a.) overweight people, b.) various kinds of freaked-the-hell-out animals, and c.) a woman stating she loves vaginas.  I don’t know what these three subjects have in common.  Fucking weirdos, man.
  •  Totes Amazeballs : Oddly enough, this means “totally amazing.”  How someone took what normally means bag, stun, and balls and put it all together to get ‘totally amazing’ is beyond me.  I mean, don’t string my ass up for suggesting this, but, if you find something totally amazing why not just say “wow, man, that’s totally amazing!” ??
  •  Duck Dynasty : You’d think I would know better by now, but, yes, I attempted to Google this, as well.  From what little searching I did, this appears to be the 21st century version of the Beverly Hillbillies where all of the Clampetts wear camouflage and at least one of their kinfolk said some shit about the LGBTQ community that was not totes amazeballs.


Okay.  I’m now exhausted.  I still have a bunch of other stuff to Google before I can go out in public and talk to people but I just can’t hack any more Googling today.  My brain is weeping.



Easily Distracted! (Signs of ADD)

I have severe ADD so I tend to notice the traits of ADD/ADHD in other people.  Most of those people get offended if I ask them if they have ADD (like I just asked them if they had venereal warts or some shit).  Well, like it or not, if you have ADD your dirty lil secret needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.

Since I have absolutely zero trouble looking like a dork or hanging my embarrassing shit out in the wind, I’m going to make a list of examples showing some of the more prevalent traits of ADD/ADHD.  If the thought “shit, man! That’s me!” keeps popping in your head while you are reading, there is a link at the bottom of this page leading to real facts about us awesome ADD’ers!  Get some help; the people in your life will thank you.

The examples below are not in any particular order of importance.  The order is random–mainly because that’s how they popped out of my ADD-riddled mind!

  1. People keep telling you to stop interrupting them when they are talking.  You just can’t help yourself; a thought pops in your head and it’s out your mouth before you realize it.  You don’t even know you’ve done it until someone gets pissed off and jumps your ass (verbally).  Worse, you yourself hate to be interrupted, lol…

  2. Caffeine doesn’t affect you.  Too much caffeine normally causes a person to twitch and bounce around like a Rock Monster jonesin’ for their next fix.  People with ADD could drink coffee or Coca-Cola all day, every day and it has almost zero effect.  You could also drink caffeine right before you go to bed and still fall asleep!

  3. Math word problems make you crazy.  “If Johnny has 10 apples and Susie has 7 but gives Johnny six and then takes two from Joe, how many apples does Johnny have?”
    * Here is the ADD’er:  “Shit.  I have no idea what I just read.  Let me read that again.” Start to read again, and then:  “why is everyone in these problems always named Johnny, Sue and Joe?  Why apples?  I hate apples.  Ma made those fried apples last night, the house still fuckin’ stinks!  That reminds me, I need to pick up a bushel of apples for the Halloween party this Friday.  I wonder if Mike is going to be at the party?  Shit.  I hope this isn’t a timed test or I’m screwed.  The people around me look like they’re almost done.  That guy is kinda hot.  He could maybe use a hair cut though.  What is that smell?  Is that his cologne??  What the…” (and on and on and on!).

  4. Everything you do is almost always left “half-done.”  This isn’t because you’re lazy, it’s because you got distracted by…something.  Anything and everything distracts us.  For me, just cleaning an entire room feels like a major accomplishment!

  5. You make lists about every-fucking-thing so you don’t forget.  And then you probably forget a.) where you put the list, or, b.) to take the list with you when you leave the house.  For me, I actually have a notebook (Cambridge, hardcover, limited edition, $12.99 at Office Depot.  Awesome!) that I carry with me everywhere.  And I put everything in that notebook.  I even write down what I want to talk to someone about the next time I talk to them and, I have it next to me whenever I talk to someone just in case they say something that I need to remember (lol @ myself).  And if I leave my notebook at home and go somewhere?  I lose my.  Damned. MIND!

  6. Multi-tasking.  We have to be doing at least two things at one time–if not three.  If I’m reading a book, I’m probably reading at least two different books, I have the tv on in the background, and I’ll constantly pause in my reading to write down ideas for my books, a blog entry, or to write an email to someone.

  7. People interrupting you–regardless of what you’re doing–irritates the shit outta you. I find myself snapping at people who interrupt me.  I could be pulling weeds in the garden and a loved one would come out and softly say, “hey baby…” and I’d be like, “WHAT?!”  Like that person had just interrupted me while I was in the middle of painting the next Mona Lisa or some shit.

  8. Background noises drive you outta your damn mind!  Especially rhythmic noises.  You pick up on quiet background noises that don’t even seem to register with other people.  Every once in a while I start noticing the sound of the motor on the fridge or the hot water heater or the ricochet sound of a neighbor chopping wood half a mile away.  Dude.  I sometimes end up focusing on the cat licking her damned fur!  Seriously.  It’s annoying.

  9. Patience is most definitely not your virtue.  And it never will be. Meditate or do yoga all you want, my ADD brothers and sisters.  You are still gonna get irritated by having to wait on anything or anyone!

  10. Sitting still?  Ain’t gonna happen.  The best torture I could think of for someone like myself?  Tape my mouth closed and tie my legs, feet, arms, and hands down (you gotta immobilize the feet and hands, too, or I’m gonna be getting my relief by jiggling my fingers and toes!).

  11. You can fixate on the minutiae of life like no one’s business! Myself?  I prefer to call this “detail oriented.”  It sounds much better, yeah?  Of course I don’t tell people that focusing on that minor, inconsequential detail causes me to stare into space and lose hours minutes of each day…

  12. The internet is the devil for people with ADD, man and Google is the devil’s top minion.  All those options, all those clickable links, all of those different subjects…Chaos, man, just Chaos!

  13. You start saying something to someone only to forget what you were saying!  While you were talking, something distracted you–either a word you said made you think of something else, or, something physical caught your eye–and your thoughts focused on the new subject; halting you mid-sentence.  Like a friggin’ slide show, your mind just stopped your mouth and you not only stopped talking mid-sentence, once you realize you got off-topic, you can’t go back to whatever you were saying before you got distracted because you no longer remember what the hell you were talking about!


The most comprehensive site on Adults with ADD/ADHD: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/adult-adhd-attention-deficit-disorder.htm