Those Pesky Details…

Since I am, like, the queen of weird-assed home remedies (that work), friends of mine often call me to tell me their aches and pains to see if I have any suggestions to help them.

One of these friends called me the other day.  After a bit of Q & A, it was determined she had a boil.  You would think the silly heifer would just go her doctor and get some antibiotics, right?  Oh, negative.  And why not? Well, the boil was on her ass.  Right, smack-dab, in the middle of one of the cheeks on her nicely rounded boo-tay.

My much-loved, silly heifer of a friend has a new doctor (whom she has dubbed dubbed Doctor Hawt-As-Hell).  She has issues with going to him and dropping trow to display the so not sexy boil on her ass.

So, cool.  I told her of a home remedy to cure the ass boil.  It wasn’t necessarily a holistic remedy, mind you, but it was a cure nonetheless.

Today, this same friend calls me while she’s at work in her highfalutin, ritzy office (where she makes a shit ton of money because she’s supposedly really smart…).  The convo goes like this:

Here’s her snickering & whispering like she stole some shit:  “Guess what?!”

“What?” I whisper back.

Still whispering, she proudly announces,I got a piece of HAM on my ass!”

Me?  I’m confused.  So I say,Oh-kayyyyy.  Why do you have a piece of ham on your ass?”

Acting like I’m the idiot with part of a deli sammich stuck to my ass, she says, “Ugh! The boil, silly! You told me–“

Rolling my eyes, I cut her off with,Dude. I said nothing about ham. I said bacon fat.  I said put salt on a piece of bacon fat and strap it to your ass with a band aid.  I said nothing of hamNor did I say wear that shit to work!”

After a brief pause for those in the conversation who have wandering minds and are terminally confused cause their ass never listens (!!!), here’s her, “Huh.  Salt?  I thought you said pepper. And ham and bacon are both pork, so I thought it’d work.”

“No,” I chuckle, “No ham.  You want bacon fatJust the fat; no meat!!! And I said SALT!”

“Oh.” She says.  Then we both start laughing.

After our giggling dies down I whisper, “Is your ass burning?”

She practically yells, “God, YES!!!!!”


Sometimes, paying attention to those pesky details are important…




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