Headaches Migrate

Ma called me and wanted me to chauffeur her around for the day while she ran errands and did some shopping.  I told her I couldn’t because I had a really bad headache.

Ma (the hypochondriac) then remarks, you sure have had a lot of headaches lately.  Maybe you need to go to the doctor!”

“No, Ma,” I said, “I don’t need a doctor.  I just need to stay where I’m at, stay still, and it will go away.”

Not one to give up, Ma then pushes on with, “But hon-ney!  You have been getting them a lot!  Don’t you think that means something?”

In a dry tone of voice I replied, “Yeah, Ma.  It means the pain in my ass has migrated to my brain.”

Ma paused to think for a few seconds and then said, “You’re talking about me, aren’t you.  That’s not funny.”


(She never thinks shit is as funny as I do…)





Feng Shui: You’re Doing It Wrong

Now, I don’t know a whole lot about Feng Shui, but I’m thinkin’ this isn’t it:

While driving the back roads through the Ozark Mountains (aka: the Ozark Indy 500) on my way to the lake house, I passed by the house in the picture above. Whoever owns this house spent a lot of time making this big ass lawn ornament out of…skulls. There may even be a human skull or two in there, I don’t know.

I started thinking about where I was and that maybe this was a warning for Outsiders rather than art and decided it was unwise to be sitting in front of the house with a camera.  The Hillbillies ’round here kinda have their own legal system going on.  So I quickly snapped this picture and hauled ass (lest I become part of what appears to be an ongoing collage).



Inquiring Minds. What Do YOU Think?

Here’s me last Friday morning:  It wasn’t even noon yet in my corner of the world and I’d already had my well-that’s-a-first moment of the day.  A complete stranger went off on me for no reason and ended his rant by calling me a “fucking scumbag.” 

My unique experience began with me driving to the store.  As I was merging into the turning lane leading into the parking lot of the store, the driver of the car behind me fully entered the turning lane, sped up, and attempted to cut me off.  Clearly it was of the utmost importance that he get into the parking lot and the store three seconds ahead of me. 

In my side-view mirror I could see what he was attempting to do but, being that my car was already halfway into the turning lane, I kept merging into the turning lane; thus defeating his attempt.  He honked his horn at me to say “hi.”  I waved back, “good morning!” and went about my business of turning and finding a parking place.

I had already parked my car and was in the process of getting out when an older guy advanced upon me and began yelling.  I don’t remember his first words because, quite frankly, I’m usually a zombie in the morning so I don’t focus well on the unnecessary.  So all I heard was “blah, blah, blah, it’s trash like you that’s bringing this country down!  Get a fucking job!” And then, since all I had done was stare at him without speaking, he gave a disgusted sneer, looked me up and down and ended with “you fucking scumbag!”  Then his short, stout, beer belly having, balding lil ass stomped off along his merry way to spread more love elsewhere.

My reaction to Grumpy’s tirade?  I went into the store, did my shopping and went about my day.  With America’s negative view of cops, I’ve had a couple of decades worth of experience in being accused of and called some very interesting (and inventive) things over the years.  People’s false opinions of me and accusations don’t really register on a personal level. I can say I’ve never been called a fucking scumbag or told to get a job though.  So that was interesting.

Now fast forward to this morning:  I’m driving to the store because I’m jonesin’ for a latte.  I’m about ten miles from my destination when I see a car pulled off to the side of the road.  I pull up alongside the car to talk to the driver and see none other than….Mr. Grumpy from last Friday in the driver’s seat!

I asked if he needed help.  Grumpy said yes, he’d ran out of gas.  I told him I had a gas can and would be happy to take him to town to get gas.  He said he appreciated it, got into my SUV and away to the store we went.

While in the store getting my latte, I noticed Mr. Grumpy was at the cash register trying to pay for gas.  He had a bunch of coins in his pocket that he was having the cashier count out.  The amount he had wouldn’t have paid for much more than a gallon of gas.  Not wanting to embarrass him, I asked him to do a trade–pay for my latte and I’d put his gas on my card since I needed to fill up my tank anyway.  Grumpy hesitantly agreed.

I drove him back to his car and we had a short disagreement over him adding all of the gas from the can to his car (it was an 8 gal. can).  I told him to take it all, no big deal, maybe he could do the same for someone else in the future when the time came. 

While we were waiting for the gas to be dumped in his tank from the can, he told me I looked familiar to him and asked if I worked or lived around there.  I told him no, I’m just visiting the area; I probably just have one of those faces.  As I was replying, Grumpy read the words on my t-shirt.  It said, “Easily Distracted.”  It was the same shirt I’d been wearing the Friday before when he’d called me a “fucking scumbag.”

Grumpy’s body did a minute pause before he looked up to look me in the eyes.  His eyes told me he’d just remembered where he’d seen me before.  I looked back at him, smiled, and told him it looked like the can was empty.  He looked back down and didn’t look at me again, even as he handed me the can and told me thank you several times. 

I told him I hoped the rest of his day went better for him and drove away.


Now.  I’m curious about what you think:  I didn’t set out to teach him any lessons but in hindsight, I wonder if he learned any.  Do you think he did?  Or, do you think he’ll forget and be the same judgmental asshole who unloads his anger at the world on another unsuspecting innocent party?  Would you have helped Grumpy?  I’d help again because that’s just me, but, do you think I was stupid for helping?  Lastly, what do you think was going through Grumpy’s mind when he realized who I was (I tend to think his first thought was “oh, shit!” but I wonder what he thought after that)?  No judgment here in your answers, inquiring minds really are just interested in others’ views.


I Have Learned (Part II):

  1. Accepting people for who they are is not mandatory but you short change yourself if you don’t.

  2. Perception is not reality.

  3. Loving someone from a distance is sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself and them.

  4. Hindsight is just that.  Don’t stare into the past too long or you’ll be goober slapped by the future.

  5. Fear both paralyzes and motivates.  The key is to know when you should relax and let it go or when to hang onto it and use it to your advantage.

  6. If you see someone in need of help, don’t pause to evaluate, judge, condemn, or criticize.  Just help.

  7. If you can’t train a dog it’s doubtful you have any business being in a committed relationship.

  8. While Hope is important, Belief and Faith are much more so.

  9. Forgive those who do you harm and wish them well.  Even if you never say it out loud.

  10. Taking care of one’s own best interests is not selfish.  In fact, by doing so, one often serves the interests of others.

  11. If you are not willing to stand in front of them on the firing line when it’s their time to face God, you really have no right to tell another person how to live their life.

  12. With everything in life, you always have a choice.  You may not like the choices you have, but you always have a choice.




I Had to Google It:

Have you noticed Americans use a lot of slang?  Our native language is supposedly English but try speaking to someone from the United Kingdom–you’re definitely going to have some language barriers going on.

I don’t know if I’ve just lived in an isolated world too long or traveled abroad too much but, when talking to people here in America, I often find myself behaving as foreigners do.  That is, I nod and smile and pretend I understand what the hell someone is saying (or talking about) when I have no clue!  It’s like everyone is speaking in code or some shit, man!

So.  Seeing as how I have issues with looking like an idiot more than absolutely necessary, I have been Googling some of the more frequently used code words and concepts.  Here’s what I found: 

  • BFF :  I’d originally heard this and thought it meant “best female friend” but then heard it in reference to a dude and got confused. According to Urban Dictionary this gag-me-when-I-hear-it acronym can mean ‘Big Fat Fucker’ or ‘Blowjob, Fuck, or Facial’ but most usually means ‘Best Friend Forever.’
  •  “Pulling a Kanye” : this has something to do with a singer named Kanye West making an ass of himself.  So, apparently, if you are ‘pulling a Kanye,’ you are making an ass of yourself.  Logical, I guess.  But why not just say, ‘you’re being an ass, man’??  On a side note: I did discover he’s the one who sings a song I’ve always liked titled Gold Digger (funny song–look it up).
  •  Twerk : This one I still don’t get.  It has something to do with Miley Cyrus shaking her ass while dressed like a hoochie.  My ADD kicked in, I found myself on Youtube and somehow ended up watching a parrot crying like a baby.  FYI: The parrot was less annoying and more interesting than Ms. Hoochie Mama shaking her ass.
  •  Selfie:  This one sounded dirty to me so when I looked it up I was surprised to find it just means to take a picture of yourself.  Okay, come on, people.  This one’s just stupid.  And if you say it, you should be embarrassed for yourself.  I think this one was made up by attention whores people just so they could feel okay about how many pictures they take–and publicize–of themselves.  Stop it, people.  Seriously.
  •  Kim Kardashian :  I know who she is because her face is plastered on every-damned-thing but the package my toilet paper comes in (and I’ll be totally pissed at Charmin if that changes!).  But, I didn’t know why her picture was everywhere so I Googled it.  I spent thirty minutes of my life that I will never get back searching for the reason she’s so popular and I still don’t know.  All I saw was a bunch of pics of her showing the Girls and her ass. Whoop-de-do-da.  But still, what is she famous for?  I’ll probably Google her again some fine day–way, way, way in the future–after I’ve cleaned the grout in my bathroom with an old toothbrush and have nothing left to do. Or live for.
  •  LGBTQ :  I was totally down with the whole “LGBT” thing but then some fucker went and added a “Q” to the mix and lost me.  The “Q” means ‘questioning.’  Why the hell is ‘questioning’ now a sexual category or designator?  I mean, really.  Isn’t that something you do before you label yourself as the L, the G, the B or the T? 
  •  Nom nom nom : All I found with this was a shit ton of pictures of a.) overweight people, b.) various kinds of freaked-the-hell-out animals, and c.) a woman stating she loves vaginas.  I don’t know what these three subjects have in common.  Fucking weirdos, man.
  •  Totes Amazeballs : Oddly enough, this means “totally amazing.”  How someone took what normally means bag, stun, and balls and put it all together to get ‘totally amazing’ is beyond me.  I mean, don’t string my ass up for suggesting this, but, if you find something totally amazing why not just say “wow, man, that’s totally amazing!” ??
  •  Duck Dynasty : You’d think I would know better by now, but, yes, I attempted to Google this, as well.  From what little searching I did, this appears to be the 21st century version of the Beverly Hillbillies where all of the Clampetts wear camouflage and at least one of their kinfolk said some shit about the LGBTQ community that was not totes amazeballs.


Okay.  I’m now exhausted.  I still have a bunch of other stuff to Google before I can go out in public and talk to people but I just can’t hack any more Googling today.  My brain is weeping.



I Have Learned (Part I):

  1. Divine Timing is a beautiful thing.

  2. It is okay to go against societal norms.  Every so often, it is even necessary.

  3. Respect.  Almost all of your adult experiences will be colored by how well you understand–and apply–this word.

  4. Murphy’s Law is real and indiscriminate.  When it’s your turn, breathe deep and just flow with it.

  5. Wisdom & knowledge are not mutually exclusive.

  6. Wealth does not infer “class.”  Poverty does not infer “trash.”

  7. Pick your battles.  Fight only for what is truly important.

  8. Karma is a bitch (a really big bitch).  You always want to be on her good side.  So act accordingly.

  9. At the root of most interpersonal conflict is the mistaken belief that everyone else thinks, speaks, acts, and reacts the same way you would.

  10. “To Thine Own Self Be True” is really just a bullshit statement until you’re 35 or older.  Thereafter, you start realizing just how brilliantly that one statement sums up your future goals in life.



Easily Distracted! (Signs of ADD)

I have severe ADD so I tend to notice the traits of ADD/ADHD in other people.  Most of those people get offended if I ask them if they have ADD (like I just asked them if they had venereal warts or some shit).  Well, like it or not, if you have ADD your dirty lil secret needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.

Since I have absolutely zero trouble looking like a dork or hanging my embarrassing shit out in the wind, I’m going to make a list of examples showing some of the more prevalent traits of ADD/ADHD.  If the thought “shit, man! That’s me!” keeps popping in your head while you are reading, there is a link at the bottom of this page leading to real facts about us awesome ADD’ers!  Get some help; the people in your life will thank you.

The examples below are not in any particular order of importance.  The order is random–mainly because that’s how they popped out of my ADD-riddled mind!

  1. People keep telling you to stop interrupting them when they are talking.  You just can’t help yourself; a thought pops in your head and it’s out your mouth before you realize it.  You don’t even know you’ve done it until someone gets pissed off and jumps your ass (verbally).  Worse, you yourself hate to be interrupted, lol…

  2. Caffeine doesn’t affect you.  Too much caffeine normally causes a person to twitch and bounce around like a Rock Monster jonesin’ for their next fix.  People with ADD could drink coffee or Coca-Cola all day, every day and it has almost zero effect.  You could also drink caffeine right before you go to bed and still fall asleep!

  3. Math word problems make you crazy.  “If Johnny has 10 apples and Susie has 7 but gives Johnny six and then takes two from Joe, how many apples does Johnny have?”
    * Here is the ADD’er:  “Shit.  I have no idea what I just read.  Let me read that again.” Start to read again, and then:  “why is everyone in these problems always named Johnny, Sue and Joe?  Why apples?  I hate apples.  Ma made those fried apples last night, the house still fuckin’ stinks!  That reminds me, I need to pick up a bushel of apples for the Halloween party this Friday.  I wonder if Mike is going to be at the party?  Shit.  I hope this isn’t a timed test or I’m screwed.  The people around me look like they’re almost done.  That guy is kinda hot.  He could maybe use a hair cut though.  What is that smell?  Is that his cologne??  What the…” (and on and on and on!).

  4. Everything you do is almost always left “half-done.”  This isn’t because you’re lazy, it’s because you got distracted by…something.  Anything and everything distracts us.  For me, just cleaning an entire room feels like a major accomplishment!

  5. You make lists about every-fucking-thing so you don’t forget.  And then you probably forget a.) where you put the list, or, b.) to take the list with you when you leave the house.  For me, I actually have a notebook (Cambridge, hardcover, limited edition, $12.99 at Office Depot.  Awesome!) that I carry with me everywhere.  And I put everything in that notebook.  I even write down what I want to talk to someone about the next time I talk to them and, I have it next to me whenever I talk to someone just in case they say something that I need to remember (lol @ myself).  And if I leave my notebook at home and go somewhere?  I lose my.  Damned. MIND!

  6. Multi-tasking.  We have to be doing at least two things at one time–if not three.  If I’m reading a book, I’m probably reading at least two different books, I have the tv on in the background, and I’ll constantly pause in my reading to write down ideas for my books, a blog entry, or to write an email to someone.

  7. People interrupting you–regardless of what you’re doing–irritates the shit outta you. I find myself snapping at people who interrupt me.  I could be pulling weeds in the garden and a loved one would come out and softly say, “hey baby…” and I’d be like, “WHAT?!”  Like that person had just interrupted me while I was in the middle of painting the next Mona Lisa or some shit.

  8. Background noises drive you outta your damn mind!  Especially rhythmic noises.  You pick up on quiet background noises that don’t even seem to register with other people.  Every once in a while I start noticing the sound of the motor on the fridge or the hot water heater or the ricochet sound of a neighbor chopping wood half a mile away.  Dude.  I sometimes end up focusing on the cat licking her damned fur!  Seriously.  It’s annoying.

  9. Patience is most definitely not your virtue.  And it never will be. Meditate or do yoga all you want, my ADD brothers and sisters.  You are still gonna get irritated by having to wait on anything or anyone!

  10. Sitting still?  Ain’t gonna happen.  The best torture I could think of for someone like myself?  Tape my mouth closed and tie my legs, feet, arms, and hands down (you gotta immobilize the feet and hands, too, or I’m gonna be getting my relief by jiggling my fingers and toes!).

  11. You can fixate on the minutiae of life like no one’s business! Myself?  I prefer to call this “detail oriented.”  It sounds much better, yeah?  Of course I don’t tell people that focusing on that minor, inconsequential detail causes me to stare into space and lose hours minutes of each day…

  12. The internet is the devil for people with ADD, man and Google is the devil’s top minion.  All those options, all those clickable links, all of those different subjects…Chaos, man, just Chaos!

  13. You start saying something to someone only to forget what you were saying!  While you were talking, something distracted you–either a word you said made you think of something else, or, something physical caught your eye–and your thoughts focused on the new subject; halting you mid-sentence.  Like a friggin’ slide show, your mind just stopped your mouth and you not only stopped talking mid-sentence, once you realize you got off-topic, you can’t go back to whatever you were saying before you got distracted because you no longer remember what the hell you were talking about!


The most comprehensive site on Adults with ADD/ADHD: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/adult-adhd-attention-deficit-disorder.htm